Ask a Guy: We’re Dating, But He Still Checks Match.com
Does your partner seek out ways to understand how you receive love and meet that need? I wish you all luck out there, be smart. If a man has no interest in getting to know you as a person. Getting in trouble with the law is a great question, but it might be one that is better not asked right away. Today he is gone the third day only, and when he arrived there he texted me that getting a wifi hotspot is problematic, but that he would figure it out.
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I like to ask the pet-peeve question right away. I love cats and dogs. You can also have a real fun time with the answers too. I just broke uo with someone and now I like this other guy who is now my bf but he always seeking attention and it get annoying. I deleted my account and I asked him to delete him, which he said he did.
That was the point of dating right? To magically stumble upon The One like finding the gold at the end of a rainbow that is being carried by a unicorn with leprechaun jockey. But how are you supposed to know which one is the right one? How are you supposed to lasso that magical unicorn before it flies away? Marriage is like rolling Play-Doh, the more two different colors are meshed together the harder it becomes to distinguish one from another.
In marriage you begin to rub off on each other, subtly taking on traits and characteristics of the other. Does this thought excite you or does it make you feel like you just digested a can of the before mentioned Play-Doh? Yes in marriage you still are your own person.
And you need to have your own identity beyond your spouse. One of the biggest lies of our culture is that attraction is solely about appearance. If you can just get your hair, abs, complexion, and clothes just right, then The One will scamper to you like a squirrel to a nut factory. However, attraction runs much deeper than looks. And unsuccessfully trying to catch up. We all have values that direct us and help us make decisions — problem is most of us have never articulated what those values are.
Not all values are the same and sometimes you can have two very good people with very good values, but those values can feel at war with each other. Both values are good, but if not articulated and discussed it could be a point of high conflict if the responsible person likes consistency and persistence, while the risk-taker likes changing things up and going for the impossible. Take me for example, one of my core values is authenticity. I struggle being in a job, friendship, situations, etc.
Thus my career path has been anything but straight-forward, which could drive any sane person crazy. Thankfully, my wife has been very supportive because she knew this was the way I was wired from the beginning and it aligns with her core beliefs, as she enjoys change and pursuing things off the beaten path.
Are you fitting and conforming to some abstract idea of what you think they want? Or are you blossoming and flourishing into who you really are? Is your partner trying to force you to become like some figment of their unrealistic dating imagination?
Or are they challenging you to become a better, authentic you? Not trying to change you, but trying to bring the best to the top. However, for many of us our fallback communication plan will be the one our parents laid out for us. Holidays, especially, are giving you a glimpse into how your partner has been taught and trained.
Your partner can look and smell like a rose, and yet continue to prick you with their sharpened barbs. Does your partner seek out ways to understand how you receive love and meet that need? Do you do the same? When someone loves from their strengths they know who they are and are drawing from a deep, full well to give to you without demanding a drink in return.
Honestly, going into marriage with my wife I really struggled talking about money. I let money and the honest conversations about it become a wedge in my relationship. Conversations about money can be the great time bomb in a relationship. When you think about your future together, can you list three things that you think would be excruciating to let go? Identify what you feel are non-negotiables now so you can avoid any large, gaping ravines ahead. Does religious faith play a role in your present and do you want faith to play a role in your future?
What do you truly believe about how to live your life and what happens when you die? Weighty questions, I know, but important ones. I really believe that if there are large differences in your faith now, those will only become bigger and more cumbersome as your relationship progresses. Especially when kids come into the equation. How will you raise them? What do you want them to believe?
Like that yearbook from our awkward years, we all have things we hope our partner will never lay eyes on. And marriage has the amazing ability to take all that you hoped remained hidden, and put it on stage for a nationally televised interview that your in-laws will be watching. Begin to ditch those bags now. Marriage is budgets, laundry, broken toilets, work, weddings, funerals, births, and everything in between. Because marriage is built on a million more mundane moments than magical.
Ive been thru this anf r currently going thru this. My initial reacton was hurt and i approached him so wrong. I dont think he has physically cheated me hut the fact that he does continue to be active on these websites for whatever reason has real taken a toll on me emotionally and ofcourse the trust that have for him. All this crap about it being ok anf find ouy first is straight crap. For me in aby relationship. I would hope and wish there would be a certain level of respect.
And its all bad now. Unfortunately I think in this case Eric is giving women advise on how to give men exactly what they want, without the woman receiving what she wants. A lot of the time there are imbalances of power in relationships. I was dating a guy who I discovered had a secret dating profile. We were sleeping together, so when I found it I told him I thought it was a great idea — it means we can have an open relationship and I can date and sleep with other men, while continuing to sleep with him also.
I thought it was hilarious!!!! The last part of your post, saying that if he is shopping around and potentially sleeping around , then you can too… yeah, I agree with that. Absolutely agree with this post.
However… this is an old article during a time where I would get really big questions and edit them down to be shorter in more recent years I generated my answers from more generalized questions and covered all the bases. I met my boyfriend on a dating site. We have been together for a little over 6 months. I did find him under some bogus name. He ended up actually messaging a true friend and I took over.
Listen, trust is very important. Take it from me I learned the hard way. If he continues to check the dating site drop him and save yourself some pain down the road. There is no reason for him to be on this site.
I knew of a guy who did the same thing. They met online were together 2 years and he was still checking his site. She did her own investigation and found out that he was talking to other women from everywhere sometimes he would tell them he had a girlfriend but it was ending or he would tell them he is single. Please listen to your instincts and there is nothing wrong for a man or woman to check out their perspective other not in this day and age. If he is trying this relationship with you ask him to delete his profile and you delete yours.
The internet and social sites are very tempting to people. I have met an army man on an online dating site about 6 weeks ago, and we pretty much hit it off right from the beginning. We talked for hours and both expressed how comfortable we felt talking to each other about any topic that you can think of. He is stationed on a US Army Base about 2. After 3 weeks of talking he came to visit me for the weekend, and there was no nervous or uncomfortable feeling between us, just really had an amazing time.
In general, he was never pushy or anything, but the opposite, and I got the impression of him as being a nice and honest guy. I believed him and since we had such a great and easygoing time with each other, I just went with the flow. We saw each other again, two weeks afterwards, I went to visit him this time. He invited me to stay at his place and we again had a great time, very easygoing, no tension or uncomfortable feeling at all.
I thought wow he really is an honest guy, what a catch! I was happy and I told him that and that I liked him a lot. He replied that he liked me a lot too. I asked if he was still on that dating site, because I took my profile down about two weeks after we met.
During that weekend we spent a lot of time walking around in the town where he lives, we had lunch and dinner in one of his favorite restaurants, and generally had a great time. He was right where I was with my opinion, so again — a match. After that weekend we texted each other every day and spoke about every other day, since we both have time consuming jobs. I was very worried because I knew that as an army soldier, deployment is always imminent.
After work he did call me and told me that they are being deployed to Turkey for about days. I was shocked and sad about it, of course, especially since we just had spent a great weekend together but only met twice so far. But I knew I had to be supportive and not dwell on my fears, so I did the best I could to cheer him up and not burden him with my worries.
He kept me in the loop of events for the following days until he finally left for Turkey, and we spoke before he actually got on the plane. I knew it was going to be tough but hey, it was only for a few weeks, and we promised each other that everything would be fine, that he would be fine.
Today he is gone the third day only, and when he arrived there he texted me that getting a wifi hotspot is problematic, but that he would figure it out. Yesterday night I somehow had a weird feeling and just out of curiosity I went and googled his name.
Up came a link to badoo. My heart made a jump….. Here we are, I have doubts and feel uneasy about the whole thing. So this morning I texted him the usual good morning text, please be safe out there etc.
I struggled with myself whether to bring it up or not about what I had found out, but then I decided to confront him. So I texted him jokingly that then Whatsapp must be messing with me, because it says he was last online last night around 9pm. He also said that I should know that if he had a chance to get online, he would have texted me as he always does. Also that he got to go and wished me a great day and that we would talk soon.
I also said that I wanted to be there for him and support him, and that what he gets from me is honesty and loyalty, but that I require the same. I have to add that he struck me to be honest and good from the very beginning, and he never gave me reason to not trust him. Always texted me when he was out with friends, letting me know where he was and that he would call me once he got home etc.
Whenever he said he would call or text, he did, and in situations when he was held up, he would always let me know. I really need your advice! I know this has become a long message, but I really hope you find the time to reply. Thank you so much in advance! My story is I am over 45 and back into dating I was single for 3 years.
I joined POF with some nice photos. I had 4 dates with 4 different men and 2 more wanted to date but were no shows. The last one he was a no show the first date which was an odd time sunday morning!
Hes a single dad with two grown kids at home, they sepd at xmas. He apologized 5 days later online that is was not me and said I was so gracious etc. He said he did not show that day as he ex came to his home and found him on POF and freaked out.
This was the reason. But he told me its long over their marriage and said she wont be allowed in his house or at least where his computer is anymore- I could hear anger in his voice. So then a few days goes by he asks if he can see me, so he comes over for coffee it was sunday evening. Things went well I felt a good connection, we made out etc. Saw him one more time a few days later, then he said hes getting a hip surgery and has to work a lot of OT plus his daughter is moving to another city for college with her things hes been moving her.
I offered to help with anything esp. He said he wanted to see me this Monday which is tomorrow holiday. So 2 hrs later he messaged me. He said he enjoys being around me too. He said I not an option. He said he does not want to lead me on! He said maybe its best if we stop contact until after his surgery and hes well again which could be weeks!
Then he said he may not get to his computer much to message me!. But he has a phone, why would he say that? It that a way to twist my brain? So I then thanked him and said im going out for birthday drinks. I left him a voicemail 1 hr later just one , its now sunday, he never called me back!! So I went in and deleted mine as well! One guy got mad cause I wanted him to confirm IM hes still coming!!
He already has pictures of me, I have sent by phone and I asked him that he had been online, he said it was because he was checking whether I had been online, I have left it a week and sure enough he has been online in the last 24 hours. Just recently went through this on another site. We dated for two months, spent a lot of good times together, dinners out, movies, nights out with friends, and eventually sex was involved.
He told me that I made him very happy etc. Then he started pulling away, less texting, calls stopped, excuses started. I had a feeling he was lying to me about the excuses its happened before. Seems likes bs to me. Well, I shut down my profile a week after meeting him. He continues to be online at unusual times really late at night or early in the morning.
If I make him happy, why look at others? Plus, he said he wanted space? This guy i met online and he said he needed space to get over an ex.
Its been 6 weeks no contact. His profile was still on but he took down his pictures and remained inactive for a month but just yesterday went online and reattached his pictures. Anyway i think its A. Is he trying to test my reaction and call him out on it? Why do guys do this??? I thought he was a genuine nice guy. He told me he loves me and he said he meant it, and would never cheat on me, and I believed it.
He constantly went on dating apps to talk to other girls and he confessed to me and told me he cheated on me. I felt hurt because I thought I knew him and I thought cheating would be the last thing he would to do me. I never thought he would do that to me because of all the words he had said to me about how much he loves me and so on.
He said he is serious about me and called me wifey. He brought me to his parents but seem to be quite scared of letting his friends see me.
My boyfriend is very self-centered, which he also admitted. Sometimes I feel like he only cares about himself, pays a lot of attention on himself rather than on me now. I even flew all the way just to get him to talk about this with me because I thought I had to talk about this with him. Since our last huge fight regarding him talking to other girls he said he had deleted the dating apps.
But he would still talk to a few girls he met on okcupid on whatsapp. I asked him why, he said because this girl called Dion had recently been to korea and he just wanted to ask information about traveling to korea. So that obviously was an excuse. Although my trust to him is kind of broken but I still want to trust him again. We talked about this issue almost every night and I told him I feel hurt that he still talks to girls from dating app.
Then I asked him if he wants to meet friends then why only talk to pretty slim girls but not guys? Why only pick pretty girls to talk to to be his new friend? Why does he stil want to meet other pretty girls? After another conflict again his mind changed a bit.
I said nothing, because minimizing still means he still gets to talk to them. Although we are ok now but I just feel so helpless. My friends kept telling me to dump him. But what about me? Why are men like that? Hello, I read ur full story.
I think you are the opposite of me although we share sth in common, I am also an observant girl when I am dating online, which is what I am doing now. However, I would do the opposite if I found out the guy I am with is doing all these dating app things behind me. You have made him feel like you will never leave, and he can always get you back as long as he stops it for a while. What I mean is, dress up and make up urself everyday, keep yourself in the best condition, and go out to meet friends and new guys, and let him see these changes!
I donno if you have thought about this? If you want to make him become obsess with you, you should just go back to the one you were before, the one who attracted this guy to fall in love with you. If the guy looks at your profile, you get a notification. The advice in this article is terrible. His actions are speaking louder than words. He wants something better, or someone else. Since that moment I knew I had to break contact with him since we were not on the same page.
I will have to trust his decision, and if I ever feel like my mistrust of him is too big to continue, I will let him know and I will break it off, just like I had intended the first time.
This dating scene nowadays is tough , it is tempting not only to look around for other people because dating websites are just a click away, but snooping is easier as well, and very tempting. I wish you all luck out there, be smart. Why did you let him talk you into staying with him? Your gut instinct was right.
Life is too short to waste on second best relationships. I would rather be single. I my name is susan like to call sue. I need to start looking for a honest guy. Iam 49 year old. Have four grow up children. Was engaged to a man but he been cheating on me, please need to leave and start anew life, i lost myhusband in Now my life is tore up. I wish I could find an article more recent in regards to this topic.
I myself have been dating a guy for a little over a month. Well, curiosity killed the cat, so I created a fake profile and though his was hidden, there are ways to search and find it regardless.
I realized he accessed his account and kept mum. I suppose my issue is that his profile IS hidden therefore does not show up in any searches, so why is he accessing his account? If HE emails someone, they then have access to his profile and it can go from there. SO, why would he go and do something that would make me doubt him. Let alone make me feel like he is keeping me around until he finds something better. You know the answer already. If you were your own best friend, what advice would you give yourself.
Your gut instinct is right. Value yourself and find someone who wants you and no one else. I disagree with the advice in this article. The guy HAS given her a reason to distrust him. He offered exclusivity, yet actively participates in an online dating community. When a person last logged in is public information. How transparent is that. Totally agree with you Moops.
Trust is very hard and someone should give you reasons to trust! I agree with you Moops. I had been dating this guy I met online for 4 months. I told him I was taking down my match account. He said he would also. Not only did he not do that, he joined pof and meet me! I decided to still give him the benefit of the doubt. Yes he really said that! I said he was the one who was searching.
Girls, stop the madness! I was honest with myself and realized I was only with him because I was lonely, and it is so hard to meet someone nice, but I was doing myself a disservice. Still trying to find the one…. This very thing happened to me. Wasted an entire year on this man.
Gave him the benefit of the doubt in the name of trust and it was a bad decision. Now I not only wasted a year but have spent six months trying to recover emotionally and am going back into the dating scene with less trust. If he is logging in…… he is looking or communicating and the bottom line is… you will never be able to trust him completely because this will always be in the back of your mind.
A truly excellent reply. This article seems to expose a type of man that is rotten to the core and is capable of using women without any conscience. The whole interaction left me feeling sick to my stomach.
I completely agree that if someone is still checking dating sites after committing to someone then they are leaving options open,stroking their ego,or seeing you as for now person Its disrespectful and breaks trust not builds it.
I met someone in my home area on an online dating site. We have gone out 3 times in two weeks, and have several dates already arranged for the coming week.
We are both divorced and he has a child almost every weekend, so we typically do not see each other from Friday to Monday night. I took my profile off the site because I believe it leads to hurt feelings and in my little mind, why make him not trust me. What I did was set up a bogus account and I can see he is on the site each day, even after we have gone out. He is on and off the site daily.
There are times I have been on the phone with him or in the midst of sending a text back and forth when he is on the site. I really want to find out why men do this? If they meet someone and apparently things are going well, so what is up with men who need to see or chat with other women?
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Share your thoughts with us! I think everyone can relate — me personally, 5 and 6 are things I deal with in my relationship.
I thought he was a genuine nice guy.
I think everyone can relate — me personally, 5 and 6 are things I deal dating questions to ask a guy online in tp relationship. I my name is susan like to call sue. The material on this site may not be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, cached or otherwise used, except as expressly permitted in writing by Mojo Media, Inc. He told me that I made him new bedford dating service happy etc. Thus my career path has been anything but straight-forward, which could drive any sane person crazy. When a Guy Doesn't Text Back You get butterflies and your heart pounds when you see me.
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