Signs You Might Be Dating A Psychopath
He is working very hard to get financially stable. We have asked for direction and the situation has been prayed over. Moreover, as I said I know he loves me and he does a lot to show it — with words and with actions too. CommentGuy on January 10, at 6:
What Do You See?
He is working very hard to get financially stable. The shepherds calling is also to protect the ministry, lead the ministry into godly work, and make sure the scripture is followed. And your guy is trying to find that delicate balance of keeping you in his life without you falling hard for him. And this coming from someone who has left organized church planting ministry for a decade working with all types of wild ones with agendas. I believe in you and i am 38 married at 38 never feel youare less than wonderful and beautiful please know again I care i was beat as a child never never give up My Respect and Love Mary. Neil Young on April 21, at 6: He is the one who got back to me.
What sensitive, loving and balanced attitudes from Anastasia B and anonbristol. There is nothing toxic about somebody wanting to be loved either, but such a desire can be misjudged and seem threatening to people even leaders who are fear losing control. Such leaders might feel threatened by newcomers who have themselves been leaders.
This is quite an educative post. Every Pastor must learn to be cautious and spirit led even in attempting to disciple people. He is all that! So a toxic person and a submissive one. I would say a disaster. I was advise to get help as this kind of relationship has or been destroying me. I feel pushed to the limit and always on the look out to push him back away.
This is a very helpful post Carey, thanks for being prepared to put time into these posts to help us learn. I think he would teach, love, and encourage! I appreciate the sentiment, but he really did treat the toxic Pharisees differently than he treated outsiders. Admittedly, from an outside point of view there is a fine line between a controlling and selfish leader and a cautious one who protects the congregation our Father called him to lead from toxic persons.
Personally, I agree with your points, Carey. All of them are spot on. Spirit-filled people are sometimes quite willing to reveal themselves honestly, and fearless about rejection, because they know that others who are distrustful and protecting personal secrets will often reveal those problems more readily and without being aware of it as they project bad motives onto a friendly and open Christian, rather than risk the possibility that love may actually beget love.
While advice-giving may be a bit forward and presumptuous, expecting everybody to hang back for months is perhaps instead sending the message that you actually want people to remain in hiding, instead of showing up as their true selves. I do look for people who honour others around them. Toxic people never do.
I think honor is a key word. Ministry sometimes involves getting close to people and listening to their stories. The problem is that if the person trying to help is not humble they can cause more harm than good and actually push people away from the church. These by no means describe people with bad motives because personalities have absolutely nothing to do with motives. Giving excessive advice from the first meeting is rude, yes, but maybe those people just search for ways to make improvements and make a difference in the world.
Toxic people are usually dishonest, hurtful, depressing, and unwilling to take responsibility for their bad behavior. These sound like the signs of a busy body. A busy body who is good-intentioned, may just need a little direction. When people are enthusiastic about volunteering and have ideas to make things better, I would take that as a positive sign.
I like when people give me ideas for improvements as well. This is great stuff and great perspective. Those of us who have been called into a leadership role have a responsibility to make wise dicisions sometimes difficult and not popular with the masses that we are held responsible for.
This is great post. Wow … how could anyone think of gods children this way … does not the bible say to love one another and to hate the sin but love the sinner?? Are we not called to be salt and the light of the world? I think this will always be a controversial post, but I stand by it.
If not, I strongly recommend it. And I do believe this is a Christian response. Cloud has been toxic to the Church. You may be coming from reading Cloud, but this is not necessarily good, as Cloud wrote that boundaries book that caused people to get rid of toxic people and cause schisms in the church, rather than counseling people to stick it out.
The guy in 6 got in trouble after reading Cloud half the time, or else he tried to buck the person who did. If you step back a minute and realize as a Pastor, you come on strong from the first minute, 1. They come on too strong this blog has a lot of marketing gimmicks and SEO tactics on it 2.
They tell rather than waiting to be asked You were preaching at me before asking me a thing 4. They want to be the center of attention see comments to points 1 and 2 5. You hear from them far too often in the first month First time on your blog is like a whiff of whoa, slow down there with the feed filled with recommendations of what advise I should take next from you 6.
They have a track record of moving around. Cloud and Jesus were not on the same wavelength. I believe it was Cloud and Townsend back then, though, perhaps the two have split since then. I have been far more surprised at the number of people who have almost no boundaries and suffer needlessly for years. In my view, Cloud and Townsend remain a gift to many people and leaders. Carey, I agree whole heartedly with you! Cloud and Townsend have blessed so many with the importance of setting boundaries — both with ourselves and with others.
God has given us boundaries to abide to as well. I find that those who do not abide by boundaries usually use members of the church as targets, to manipulate and use them so that they do not have to take responsibility for their own lives. I fully realize that as Christians we are to reach out to others, and most of us do. However, my experience has shown me that there are some people who have no desire to change and are not willing to accept help or counselling that would help them deal with their situations.
In effect they drain others emotionally, physically and financially. This often results in the genuine needs of others who truly need help and sincerely want to change, not being helped. Setting healthy boundaries is essential. Jesus helped those that genuinely wanted help, and wanted to change.
Sadly, some people never want to change or take responsibility for their lives. And that is their right to make that choice. But, it is also their responsibility to be accountable to their choices. Have you read Jesus love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that despite fully use you? Easier said than done, I totally agree.
I keep complaining about a similar person in my church but I feel I have not done my part to pray enough for them. I like what you suggest to walk them off, but then Jesus expects us to love.
He engaged even the toxic Pharisees, even dining with some of them. Of course they plotted and succeeded to get him killed and God had a better plan in all -even used — their hatred.
Of course we must be guarded in wise ways but Carey, even toxic people cannot split a church single handedly. Sometimes all toxic people do is exacerbate a bad situation and offer themselves as scapegoats, really. God bless you with more insights. I think I would be more concerned with people who have funky unbiblical ideas. In my experience I have been involved with toxic pastors. The pastor I grew up with started out as a very dynamic pastor who grew a church from nothing to a congregation in a predominately Catholic town.
I was 19 at the time. In one of the services I was attending, the Pastor mentioned that there was a car in the lot that had the side bashed in. And again the pastor was a very dynamic person, so yes I do evaluate pastors in this same manner. But the interesting part of this article is that it sounds like the person you are describing is the apostle Peter.
I love that you still love the church. For sure…this could describe at some level Peter, except toxic people mean ill, not good. Peter had good intentions, and Jesus worked with him. Yes that is true. I have probably never met a better christian in this generation as you. Continue to grow strong in the Lord. I am a pastor reading all these has just strengthened my resolve for balance and thoughtfulness in utterance.
It has been translated thousands of times through hundreds of ancient languages and dialects and retranslated into all current languages in several different versions.
How do you determine from that what god wants? The problem with Christianity today is people follow the bible instead of God, and since the bible has so many opposite instructions that people are forced to pick and choose what to follow, which is what leads to people thinking Gays are abominations but still sin by eating meat and cheese together and would never stone their daughter to death if she got pregnant without permission both are also in the bible.
The judgement of who will go to heaven and who will go to hell is up to God and God alone, and being hateful shatters one of the biggest of the 10 commandments, to love thy neighbor. Please, people, learn to separate religion from God, because too many put their faith in the wrong one. Nobody asked for a light-bulb. Nobody asked for a computer. Nobody asked the American colonies what their grievances were. In fact, they were ignored even so.
Human beings should not wait for other human beings to ask for things before they freely offer them, be they ideas, suggestions, comments, demands, or otherwise. This article is in direct contention with free speech, and promotes the discrimination of people with a mind of their own. These are people who make you look bad. Coming from a toxic family I can speak from experience, toxic people are remorseless and purposely abusive and destructive.
Their toxicity is the core of who they are. They see no reason and have no desire to change. If you let your guard down they will not only damage, but outright destroy a person or an organization. They thrive on attention, power, and control. Praying the whole time for you and them of course! Thanks for this post! These are good all around flags. Sorry to hear about your background. Glad you can see it for what it is and move forward in love.
Thank you so much for your honest post. They do exist, and can and will destroy your entire life if you let them.
Christianity is not about tolerating bad behavior. Some people are downright dangerous, and the flock needs to be protected from them. You are absolutely right, these are the same characteristics of people who are abusive in romantic relationships. Everyone with a mental illness is evil and beyond hope and redemption? In the pastorate, you may have those people who are the most willing individuals who want to serve. These people are well intentioned, and they carry with them longevity, and serve faithfully.
However, there is a fuzzy boundary between serving with grace, and serving with an unhealthy or unhelpful expectancy. One would hope that together, the willing servants, and the pastor would be able to serve together humbly. When I started ministry I read a piece by Lyle Schaller who warned about church matriarchs and patriarchs who behave as you describe. Thank you for this article. I have been pastoring more than 20 years and I appreciate your insights.
They are very true. Detecting them early is the best way to go. The Bible clearly advices us not to accociate with tocic people who destroy. By the way, I am not denying there are such people as described above. Secondly I find board members and pastors gossiping and slandering individuals in the church a common occurance over my 39 years of gathering such data. Further, as a class, board members and elders seem to blatantly violate the teachings of stewardship in the old and new testaments.
Yet these eldors thrive for decades in our evangelical churches despite their violating the requirements for basic Christianity let alone the more stringent requirements for elders. This statement is not true of all churches, and is more common in large evangelical churches located in the suburbs of large cities in the US. I was stunned to see this wealthy individual elected over other proven men.
The pastor told me he had selected them due to their stewardship large donations to the building fund. Two years late the rich elder had divorced his wife of 23 years and replaced her with a woman that was 2 years older than his oldest daughter.
Christian maturity is something utterly different than what some in the church think it is. Sorry to hear that. Seems like a sweeping generalization. Our pastor fits 5 of the 6 items on your list all except moving around a lot. I encourage them to have a mature conversation with the pastor 1 on 1 and to resist fawning behavior.
They carry with them list of things they would never do as a pastor. This was the third church I have attended in 39 years as a Christian. I have moved on to a small church of 60 members but wanted to share my experience. I have a list of what to watch out for to see if you have a toxic pastor. If they act like prima donnas to their staff and then act like well-balanced transparent leaders from the pulpit known as faking maturity move on to a church with a pastor with some emotional and spiritual maturity who is not a hypocrite.
I attended this church for over ten years thinking that I could encourage the pastor and staff to be unified and mature together. The staff was too afraid to share the pain of their pastoral mistreatment. And the pastor was careful to only act that way behind closed doors. Again…so sorry to hear this. Great information thank you so much for your blogs. I have only been a pastor for a little over 2 years and I am still learning.
Sharon…this is such an encouraging note. I love this community and how we can all learn from each other! It tells me that the system is cautious and closed. If a congregation sets up a dynamic where everyone has to be vetted and personally invited into leadership, many healthy and enthusiastic folks may walk back out the door to find a place that welcomes them with appreciation.
I can fall short of being meek and patent like most others, but like Many want live righteous. I guess I just hope for my short comings my church still takes me seriously. All of us our flawed people Andrew, but not everyone is toxic. Toxic people are people who damage many others. Of course they were never at fault anywhere or played any part in any church conflict of any kind. Church boards, you NEED to check references and make calls to previous churches of where a job candidate served. Several years ago our church missed doing that and got burned in a big way.
The person had a reputation for causing church splits and had burned many bridges. Do you know why churches are closing left and right? I have been recently asked to leave a church for disagreeing with the Pastor.
This is after I heard the message on how it is ok to disagree… Until I disagreed. Many church Pastors, not all, but most thrive on control, and misappropriate authority, and lord it over people. Most people are not toxic when you love them instead of judge them. Gives those of us trying to create healthy climates some encouragement. I pray you find a great church! Jim, just like there can be toxic members there can also be toxic leaders…but thats a whole other article.
You should rename this: I have a pastor friend who is literally all 6 of these. How can I help him in this. Good for you for caring enough to want to help. You might not be. Just let me know.
I wholeheartedly agree with this post. Very few people think only of themselves all the time. They are a small minority, but they have the resilience to spoil it for everyone. Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions. I recently concluded a four year ministry in Mexico,without getting into to much detail,I can say my experience left me with a new appreciation with the Lords advice of not giving what is holy to dogs and casting our pearls before swine.
The Gospel and knowledge we bring is the most valuable thing anyone can possess and we should act accordingly. I also learned to be way more choosy about the Christians[ and ministries I align myself with because many of them are not from God or at a minimum not walking in the Spirit, which is essentialy the same. Keeping wolves away from your sheep or keeping tares from gaining root in the body is not being un Chrisitan it is following Scripture. Just look at all of the self centered ways they acted before Jesus returned to them in a glorified body.
He stuck with them and returned to them. The accounts go on and on. I will choose to do what Jesus did and continue to let God work out the messes. And this coming from someone who has left organized church planting ministry for a decade working with all types of wild ones with agendas.
The one I found that could not change and was the most toxic was the one who was supposed to be the pastor of the pastors. When things became toxic to the point of hurting my family I put up a clear boundary and said adios. I said I must go. Sadly to many are viewing this wrong… this is more about the ministry teams of the church. It does not reflect on those that need to be ministered to. In a simple way, I would not want to go to a doctor who could not control his drug us and expect to get sound advice on how to not use drugs.
True we all sin but we should not be out of control or how could we lead others into the light. The shepherds calling is also to protect the ministry, lead the ministry into godly work, and make sure the scripture is followed. There is no way to please everyone but we should be more respectful as Followers of Christ. Cloud, though a respected leader with many helpful things to say, is not a substitute for the authority of Scripture that is so lacking in this piece!
Sir, you are portraying yourself as very judgmental not discerning. Our leading styles are way different, his being demanding and controlling. This demeanor of superiority has lead to alienation from our team members and distanced us from our church body.
The inner turmoil I struggle with is great. I am to the point of resolving to do ministry separate from him, which breaks my heart becasue my desire is to work along my husband and serve our God together. This strengthens a marriage, being a know it all kills it. Not being able to talk about this is also frustrating, as I do not want to berate my husband to our church family he has his good points too. It just seems I spend so much time as a referee and peace keeper for the sake of those he hurts, then he directs his anger with toxic accusations to me and my daughter.
Believe me I have spent many hours in prayer and still only feel emotionally abused and manipulated and spiritually inadequate. This has lead to our removal from ministry positions which I never experienced personally before we married.
You need to talk to someone you trust. Follow the example of Biblical discipline in Matt. You being quiet and keeping the peace is not submission. You need to confront him one of one. Probably a male spiritual leader because it sounds like he has woman issues. You may need to provide some Godly consequences for your husband. The other thing you need to do is stop cleaning up his messes and protecting him from the consequences of his actions. Emotional Manipulators are very dangerous to the environment in which they live, be it church, business, home, etc.
Look up Emotional Manipulators on the Internet. He chose his followers those he chose to work with more closely. Our church structure is set up very differently than the way Jesus operated.
Some of the folks who are in our churches are probably the ones Jesus did not choose to follow him. It also might be a reason Jesus did not stay in any given synagogue. Good luck learning about Emotional Manipulators. I pray your learning helps you heal. The person you are describing sounds like a person with Aspergers or someone with other deficient social skills.
The commenter who talks about the member who spreads gossip and tries to turn people against one another? THAT definitely sounds like a toxic person.
My son is a dear who is eager to help, but he comes on like this. Throughout my life, patient mentors have made the difference in my life and helped me grow into a useful member of society and an effective volunteer activist. Thank you for that caution. I have friends with Aspergers and this description is very different. I was raised by a sociopath with bi polar disorder and was never modeled appropriate behavior. Before that, as a child, I used tv as a behavioral handbook as you can imagine, that was hit or miss.
Heather thanks for sharing your story. I really appreciate it. This post was directed at people who want influence and power or who intend to harm others, which is very different than belonging. Appreciate you sharing your story. Toxic people, are well, toxic. An unhealthy person can infect RT cnieuwhof: Are some people just toxic?
I am a Youth Director currently cleaning up the damage from a toxic person. This person has been asked to meet with the Pastor to get to the root and He for a time is willing to council with them. This person is welcome to participate in any other way other than leadership. As for me, I wish I had read this article years ago!
A toxic person brings the focus to them. They say verbiage that they are doing what they are doing for others, but it becomes very apparent its about them. Then they say what was already said, but in their words which apparently is better. They are very committed week after week, so you are thankful cause not many people are, so you keep them around until you have worn yourself out trying to make them happy.
They use the Holy Spirit as their excuse to do the things or say the things they believe they must do or say. They do not respect authority. I can not give this person enough, they never feel needed. Interestingly enough, feeling needed for them is leading worship, but not spending 5 hours at annual fall event we have just helping with activities and spending time with teens relationship.
That was the straw that broke the camels back. I can not express the freedom, relief, joy in ministry since this person has been removed. Some of the teens who left are making their way back as well. The focus is back on the youth. I pray for this person regularly and hope they can be healed because their are definitely crippling things in their life. And yes, this person has gone to a few different churches in the past having the same problems.
I believe this is the toxic person Pastor Carey is referring too! Apparently some of the folks writing here have never dealt with truly toxic individuals. Because they will, it is their intention — whether it is a conscience decision or not. These are not the hurting and sick, they are the ones who intend to hurt and divide. And then there are wolves. Biblically, as a pastor or church leader, you cannot tolerate them doing the things mentioned in this article in your church. Great job Carey, thanks for bringing truth.
I agree with you. Those are very normal people that we will work with for years to come! This post is about people who want to damage ministry for their own gain. Thankfully, they are rare. In my experience, I only have met 3 working at a large church for many years. He turned people away because of his bragging of his own knowledge, despite being kindly confronted by caring people who tried to explain why his tactics were turning people away.
We soon learned he wrote a book about it a terrible, unBiblical book, mind you and was trying to gain attention to promote his book. He yelled at teenagers who attended a church dinner… their first time at church. Those were truly toxic people who caused others to leave our church, and sometimes their faith. HUGE difference, and a good one to be aware of before attacking the author of this post! Amanda…this is exactly what I was talking about.
Thank you for the helpful, clarifying comment! I would never go to your church. Jesus said it was not the healthy who need a doctor but the sick. Thank god in his grace I never came across someone like you into battles with depression and anxiety. Luisa…I appreciate that this article might have surprised you, but I promise you that some people do not mean well.
They are not just depressed or anxious. I have many people I work with regularly who struggle with a whole variety of issues. But toxicity is different. If you allow too many toxic people in your organization, it will make your organization toxic.
I think Don is right above. Carey, I agree with Luisa. I cannot understand why you are so offended at this article. There are people in churches who demand way too much attention and boundaries help regulate stuff so that their demands to infringe on the vision. Your accusation makes YOU sound toxic. If the church will not love and help them, or at the very least, for starters, hold up a mirror to them to show them how they are affecting others, then who will, in a way that will point them to the kind of life they were meant to live?
The Bible says that the Lord restores our soul, Psalm 23, so he can and does restore pople. It sounds like you are thinking on the lines of the best way to move your church forward and for it to be healthy and protecting people from being hurt which is admirable, but Jesus said that he came for all and that means toxic people, so would it not be healthier to ask the Holy Spirit how you can love toxic people better. Have a good bible word based discipleship course within the Church, training people up and starting with the basics.
When everyone is moving in love towards others it will eliminate fear and help to change bad patterns, along with the word and the spirit, its the anointing that breaks the yoke. Maybe the questions to ask is why is that person toxic, what have they been through in their life, can I get some people who are stringer in the Church to come alongside them and disciple them and have heart to see them set free. This is the same for any Church you will get new converts who will come in with all sorts of issues, have you got anything in place for these people, discipleship, mentoring, healing prayer etc.
Church can be a spiritual hospital. Love is the key and sometimes I think we take on worldy ways of doing things that can verge on humanism. Some great points here. I think one of the differences between a dangerous toxic person and one who is not dangerous is their willingness to get well. The weapon to use is love. That would sure help to see peoples character grow! I mean the people on the Love team I mean its easy to love people who are willing to change or people we like etc.
True love is different than human love, its activating Gods love so it permeates into our love and how we react etc. But we can do all thing through Christ, so we can do it by abiding in him and by the spirit.
Or we you asked? I agree with you on the whole, but just saying. Also, Protestantism kind of dwells on schisms. Unity expresses itself in many ways.
One of my favourite things about the cities in which we minister is that the pastors of various denominations all support and encourage each other. Thanks for these 6 warning signs. They provide a great filter for someone early in their ministry like me to tame the eagerness of having anyone and everyone with energy and ideas at the table. Thankfully, I have had the experience as a youth pastor to see the damaging effects of toxic people, on a church. What if the toxic person is your pastor or his wife?
Everything was fine as long as I showed up and supported what they wanted to do. I even started a ministry at the church that is still going strong after 5 years. I did attend for a few weeks prior to joining, because I wanted to get to know things and people. I also joined the choir and taught a Sunday School class one summer.
When my own life job, health, etc. I tried to stay in touch with his wife, who I thought was my friend, and after she found out that my family had been friends with her former pastor with whom she had had some serious conflicts , she dropped me almost entirely.
My own father is a pastor — has been in ministry for 40 years — and I have talked to him about some of these things. I understand that people have issues, and that being a pastor is difficult; mistakes get made all the time, and I get it — I really do. This has just been really rough — I am not attending church anywhere now, although I have been able to visit online with another church on the other side of town different denomination so that I can worship, but I have to say that I am really, REALLY leery of going anywhere, and I want to try to sort out what to do about the situation, including my own contribution to it, so that I can move forward.
The Acts-era Jewish and Paulinist churches were communal collectives nothing like the hierarchical separated church model developed by the Roman Empire and adopted by Protestants with a few differences carried forward to our time. Jesus is calling us to the reign of God, without walls, where we meet people for His rule wherever we go, without paid clergy or the rest of the self-righteous pontificating of those who play God in the lives of Jesus followers.
In the meetings after the meetings, you can find your fellow Jesus followers who like their Bibles, too. No step overhead other than pay-as-you-go room rental, and because formal churches are doing such a poor job keeping people involved and contributing, you can probably even find step meetings in churches! This post confused me a bit. It seems to me that no one would really want to be toxic. If they leave the church, then what is the right place for them?
I hear a lot of truth in your post and really enjoyed reading it but it also struck a chord in me…perhaps there is something for me to learn. Jesus even speaks of being child-like. Henry Cloud talks about three categories of people: Truly toxic people border between foolish and evil. You said it, LuiSa! Nothing to be sorry about. You are a Pastor. Do you have a duty to preach about traits of a toxic person or to preach the gospel?
When Pastors get on this bandwagon, they diminish their calling and undermine their focus. More so, while there are indeed toxic people with some of these traits, your theory is that only introverts are healthy people to deal with, and that is grossly misleading. Who says some do not reserve their toxicity for later? I think the point is simple that if you let toxic people gain too much influence, everyone suffers, including the toxic person.
The early church dealt with this on more than one occasion and the early church leaders were quick to remove people who damaged other people from leadership. He does have a duty to teach about the traits of a toxic person. In his blog he is not preaching, he is teaching.
I like preaching but I also like to be taught in detail and be able to ask questions about the subjects and to be able to make comments. Nothing, Miz Iz, in the Bible or teachings of Jesus states as you contend that he has a duty to teach about the traits of a toxic person.
I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance. Good points to alert leaders to step back and observe their people. And, not to be confusing, to watch how congregants participate with each other. We can always learn from first-hand experience, but we can also learn from the third-person perspective as well.
Sometimes we are too close to be neutral, but I have found that the more vigilant leaders are about protecting congregational health, the healthier a congregation becomes. Hi, I believe anyone who knew Saul, later to be St. Paul, would have said he was very toxic. So we should never give up on anyone, as transformation is possible. Everyone is part good and part bad. And he was determined.
But I do admit some biblical characters would have come off as socially strange. I have found the best route to take is visiting with them often however painful that might be and making some of the small changes they want to see. When those changes are made I communicate to them that we have listened and found some of their suggestions were valuable based on Scriptural principles. This way they learn the litmus test and feel valued.
I think one of the mistakes leaders make is we tend to favour people who harm us by giving them more of our time than we need to. We only have so much time in a day, and I think there is a point where even like Jesus and Paul we shake the dust off our feet and move on with those who want to advance the mission. Jesus said that about people who did not want to listen to the Gospel. As pastors we have to help those people feel welcome just like an alcoholic while challenging them to die to their old self and be risen into Christ-likeness.
Jesus spent a whole lot of time with the Pharisees, teachers of the law and scribes. He did that because he wanted them to see the kingdom and be transformed by the Gospel. Pardon me, but you strike me as a Pastor who will not tolerate anyone who raises questions or worse still, disagrees with you- even from long loyal members. You have nothing to apologize for! You are stating a valuable truth that may help others reading here start to come out from under toxic pastoring and instead start following Jesus.
So for sure, one or two in isolation is not toxic. This assumes that the toxic person is a choice. What happens when it is family? What happens when you grow up enough to realize the person is toxic and despite realising it and trying to deal with it appropriately, nothing seems to change?
Prayer for understanding and forgiveness are a regular theme for one of my parents. Thank you for your posts. I really enjoy them. Thanks for the encouragement. Yes, the issue can be families and groups. Henry Cloud and Dr. Oh man, this is so true. My experience with toxic people comes in the context of relationships, and I wrote a little guide for guys on how to identify these types and deal with them.
I concur with another reader, your messages transfer to business and the home. The image of the two folks in masks is soooo funny! I am still giggling! Their true character was revealed after about two weeks. We are truly stumped as how to help these two toxic folks. He believes his own lies.
Sounds like there might be some boundary issues to look at. Second, I might try to ask a pastor, counselor or trusted adviser who knows you and the situation to speak into it. Clearly, something has to change. I spent much time in the Word and found some answers as to how we should conduct ourselves towards them. I just wrote 5 pages of notes to guide my husband and I. We have asked for direction and the situation has been prayed over. In this toxic environment, a few of our goals: Let the power of God function in our life.
Yes, there are definite boundary issues. We will read the book for help. We will do all we can. You are a super busy man and I appreciate your notes. Have a wonderful week.
Something that I have noted along the way is that sometimes if we attract alot of the toxic, there is something toxic in our lives whether it be personal, professional or in this case a church that needs to be cleaned up… and sometimes they just come along, but it gives a really good flag to perhaps look inward and see if there is something we need to work on ourselves or just as you said, start establishing healthy boundaries!
Hey Faye…this is so encouraging. I have been gauged as a toxic person before. Most of my thinking is explosively creative and I can get carried away with talking about it, without realizing it.
I had to learn to reign in my external processing until good relationships have been established. Do you ever fear that gauging people this way limits your opportunity to mentor, grow or disciple believers who have shortcomings?
Thinking people are toxic early on seems much stronger than to identify immaturity or lack of discipline or even to think someone is maybe self-absorbed.
When I moved 2 years ago, I did this because I wanted to get engaged and committed quickly in a local church where I could serve. I received an incredibly warm welcome, had lunch with the pastor 2 weeks in, and was welcomed to serve in a variety of ways. Hi Adam…sorry I missed your comment earlier. And clearly you are not that person. I wonder if this happens in other contexts besides church? Yes, happens in dating, too. Typical of borderline personality disorder.
They idealize and then later, devalue. Shall we tell such folks of their toxicity? If there are spaces in our community that need help, what shall we do? Thank you for your great work. Thanks for the question. I think we need to have clear boundaries.
Often the best thing to do is to simply keep the boundaries clear and offer an explanation only if they ask. Thanks for the feedback. I was listening to it while grading papers and it just laid me to waste.
Notify me of follow-up comments by email. Notify me of new posts by email. Unhealthy people can grow healthier with the right care and attention in a healthy environment. Some remain difficult, despite all attempts. People who come on strong when they first meet you usually leave just as loudly. Healthy people never give you loads of advice the first time they meet you. Toxic people tell you everything about themselves. Healthy people wait to be asked.
Toxic people want to be the center of attention. Healthy people, not so much. Posted in Leadership , Life , Mission , Strategy and tagged character , church , crisis , growth , health , honesty , Leadership , ministry , Mission , perseverance , Personal Growth , self-leadership , vision , work. Patrice on March 8, at Louisa on March 9, at 6: Watch for These 19 Warning Signs! Frederica Potter on December 15, at 9: Bridget Moynahan on November 20, at 3: Dan on November 19, at Just be clever and careful if he is threatening.
Leave NOW if you can. If you are too scared or unsure now, there are 5 things I can think of that will all help a lot:. This can be an absolute life changer. Get money by working or do whatever you can to get money from your family and friends to pay for this, your insurance may also cover it. It is all designed to challenge the attitudes and fixed beliefs and conversations you have in your head that have you not believing in yourself, feeling hopeless, insecure, and especially any stuff from your past that may have contributed to this.
Abusers depend on you having unresolved thoughts and feelings running your mind — they will hook into your own inner voices and turn you against yourself, mental abuse requires your own cooperation in a weird way. They need you to doubt or hate yourself. Therapy eliminates the triggers you have and allows you to have a much stronger, confident, and often powerful response to abuse.
Seriously consider speaking to the police and get feedback from a councillor on this if you are too unsure or scared. You need some sort of structure around yourself that shields you and shows that if he tries anything, there WILL be consequences.
There are people like this. They will help you believe in yourself enough to never tolerate guys like this again. Are you really happy where you are right now, is your family supportive, is your friendship group good? If not, can you move somewhere else? Try and be the least interesting or validating or gratifying part of his life. Stop validating him, just be a bit sad. In this way, you may find the abuser will just leave you and drop out of your life.
Hi, i dated an older guy who was a sociopath, it was only for a couple of months but i recognised the signs and after a lot of reading about sociopathic style I realised this is what he was…. I am replying to the a friend story.
I agree I did what you said play like you are depress and boring it does work. I dumped his ass 12 times and still was not getting the picture.
He did not like that either he knew the game was up that I caught on to his shit!! People that are like this are oieces of shit! Let me tell you I am so glad it is over with. I have went back to school to better myself and I will have a degree while he is still working a dead end job and being a LOSER!!! Please girls or guys dont fall for the shit they say if you love yourself that much get out of a relationship like this.
I thought it was funny because he poked me on facebook, and I removed it. He was thinking I will just get back at her I will remove her from my friends list! I busted out laughing because he knew I restricted him. Now I have people at work removing him as well lol!! Because he was going to there page to see mine, what a nut job. He claim he had all these friends when he dont have shit!!
I talked to a theripest and she said people like this do not thing they have a issue. I decided that I was not going to be a victim, because that is what you become. I am to much of a strong willed person for that shit!! I just hope the next victim is smart enough to tell him to hit the road or I hope she is more crazier then him. And its true months or years from now they see you act like nothing happen and play all nice and stuff.
I disagree with the reply that male abuse victims are the same as female victims. Men, however, often face a different stigma. Men may feel the need to overcorrect to take back control of their lives. I was faithful to you.
Hopefully someday I can show you how I really feel. She broke up with me by having sex. Never quit you are wonderful I was in bad car accent maybe you can get ajob stay in school be at school include this in protective order threata are violence as are comments like maybe o wont be around which implys self hate and violence never please give up i am a very allergy prown vet and put up for years with violence from husband the order protects family pets friends collle work parents home friends as place he can not go he is legal adult you are a minor and have a lot of rights please seek the laws protection buy law he is breakikng salking threats he has violated your freedome wish i could let you know i am doing it he is breaking law andyouare wonderful if he has had sex with you in a lots of states this is agains law he is adult find out age of consent he has most likely done this befor do not be as i was a prisoner in your own life I saport you and i gained a lot of weight never left house and eat I found a good therapist andyouu may need the extra help.
As i did been gong like 6 momths. I believe in you and i am 38 married at 38 never feel youare less than wonderful and beautiful please know again I care i was beat as a child never never give up My Respect and Love Mary. I know exactly how you feel… my partner was violent, jealous, paranoid, he pushed all of my friends away from me, replied to my messages and never told me I had a message.. The only person who ever cheated was him?
I feel ashamed to have put up with this abuse for almost 3 and a half years. He brought me up and then pushed me back down to the lowest point. My self esteem has literally crumbled from when i was being attacked for wearing even a classy dress or a knee high skirt? At the time i felt special as i had no confidence in myself anyway.. They have the knowledge to protect them selves and thier children.. I promise you that there is a way out. They need to be aware of this. You can simply call the Police, or go to your local PD and they will take care of him for you.
You can also get a restraining order after you involve the Police. I promise that this coward will never get close to you. Abusers need to be taught a lesson. You should really tell someone, and get away from him. He is only there to feel in power, knows he can control you and will do so at any cost. You deserve better than constant misery. Its better to be alone than put up with his degeadation of your self worth. The lord Jesus loves all and no one in this world is trash Or should let them selfs be trash for someone else I grew up in abuse and walked away.
Its never the answer too harm your self you where made for a purpose With out any of us there would be no plan we are one with the father it even says in the bible when we come too him and ask to be saved and forgiven he makes us new. Im his righteous child he loves us and wants us too have a personal relationship with him so he can share his love an peace with us Pray for what too do And get away from people who hurt you Follow Jesus and you will find the right person iv made a Jesus followers on fb if you have any questions its open too the public Please know that you are loved and never alone.
And you are in need of psychological assistance. Then you feel as if you are not worthy to live. That means that you are crying for help. You need to be removed from that kind of environment immediately. He is a loser scum and you are allowing him to be a loser scum upon you. The difference between me and you is that with loser scum like him, he ends up looking like the complete fool for a man that he actually is upon me.
I am not a self harmer. What I am is that I am an extrovert. I anger at people like him instead. If he treated me like he treated you I would rip him apart.
He would end up fearing me. Its apart of me that I have always hated. And its a part of me that has been that kind of woman that does and can defend herself against a piece of shit like him.
They do require an army against me. And that army fails as them. They can be predator. They can do a great many things as a predator of an army. And what America showed me is that as my counselors against them that we are the finest of people who will die for our civil rights against uncivilized people like him.
I am not dating but Married to this man Im with now and we have two kids together, He has physically hurt me and verbally hurt me in the past. One time I got so tired of having a phone becasue he would just keep accusing me of doing something and I ended up breaking my phone and he got mad and came into the room where I was laying on the bed and started hitting me in the head.
I started yelling and the neighbors called the cops. When the cops showed up he was going to tell them he hit me because I threw my 2 month old on the ground if I tell the police he hit me. He calls me a stupid Idiot, a dumb ass, whore, slut.
Three years ago he gave me a concussion and put me in the hospital knocked out and he actually was in jail a few months. His mother would not take me to the hospital when it happen. She kept me in the room and shut the door becasue she could never see her son in jail so she would lie for him to protect him.
Which he ended up in jail anyways with a mistometer of domestic violence. Years of abuse I have so much anger in me that if he hits me I lose it and he uses it against me that I made him so mad that he hit me. That I wanted him to hit me because I kept going and going and that I know how to push his buttons so there is something wrong with me that I fight with him.
He does not abuse our kids. There was a time though where we started fighting and my one year old got so scared he started to cry. When my son and her are crying i will get overwhelmed doing it on my own and he will say to me you wanted this right? It is very hard trying to feed a baby while holding a crying baby I think anyone would get overwhelmed. I want to succeed as a family because the statistics are extremely low with divorce rates and we both admit we are not right. We have decided counselling so I will see where it goes I just want him to change so i can have a healthy happy family..
We go to church and started eating dinner as a family so there is a few changes that have been going on for a few months now sense counselling started.
I hope to progress and I bless all of you out there struggling like me. We were both raised from families that were really crazy and abusive, on drugs. All I know is I want to be the small percentage who makes it. I want to walk out and say I did it. My husband knows what he does is wrong. He will admit it. I just hope I can make it another day. What ever you do, did not committ suicide, he would then win. You have to assess yourself from how you were before you had gotten involved with that person.
Find your past strengths and your weaknesses, you must turn them into strengths. I hope that you attend a nearby church or have a strong religious family or member that you can talk with and pray with or contact an abuse out reach program, take part in sessions. You may have to get a peace order against that person, so that the threats are being legally recorded. You are a beautiful human being and you need to be treated as such. God bless you always and may God keep you protected.
You have to get out hunz asap,its not easy but you have to,im in the same position,ive got him out and a restraining order,at the moment ive changed my number,i have kids with him too ,hes using suicide at moment ,but hes used that a lot of times, make that first move hunz you have to for your sake,xx.
No Dont kill yourself Get a job Save money Stay busy Listen to music Get help from family and friends You werent born to end your life You matter Things will get better!!!! Do you live with him? Suicide is not the answer. My partner is all of these. He has mastered the art, he rarely texts me and its usually only one word or I love u babe. He is driving me crazy. I used to be Sooo happy and loved my life. I asked nicely and sat down, he dragged me off the lounge onto and across a concrete floor grazing my body and out onto the gravel.
His son was laughing and his parents came down, they took my shoes and said I need help. The whole time I co operated and done as they said. I am constantly contemplating suicide. I am ment to go back to work and I will at almost closing time. I do have some hope though. I just looked at a little unit for myself. U should at least try.
Forget I said that. If ya wanna yarn or something. Embarrassed me and goes out of his way to do so. Tells me how worthless I am how nobody likes me or. He throws my belongings out. We live in his now but before he moved in withstand my son in my home all paid off and mine.
Dont let some Douche bag send you over the edge. Keep your head up, always tuck and roll when you have to and make your landing the best landing ever. Get away he will even say Im gonna kill myself please its all about them if he really meant that hreat of suicide he would of already done it. There just talk tactics to change it around the focus s on them its about them acting out like a child because a mother creates a narristic child.
IIm free I have a scar on wrist homeless no job no man but I have my dignity. Everything but the cloths situation was my ex. He just left me a couple of days ago and I am hurt and sad at this time BUT in the real world it was the best thing for me. I called the police 2weeks ago, I had bruses from a week ago 2weeks ago, a couple of days ago and from that same day when he hit me with his fist on my check. My check had a bump but no bruises and the charges were dropped because my bruises were old ones.
My whole body was covered with them. He was so mean with his words also. He would tell me that his other woman made better sex then me and tell me I was dead in bed and of course his excuse was because he was upset at the time. I put up with this for 1 and ahalf yrs. He is a 3rd sticker for beating his ex and his other ex. I thought this was it and he would never get out but the law was on his side.
I have always been a very happy person and so full of energy and have felt beautiful until he took all that from me. The other day I had dinner ready for him and I asked him where he was cause had jus t gotten out of work and I wanted to have his plate warmup for him. He came into the house and was very upset because of the way I sked where he was.
I ran into my car and he ran after me and was trying to break the window but I took off as fast as I could. Im not the same person I use to be, Right now I hate my life and very disappointed with myself. We have known eachother since Kinfergarden and we are both 50 now. How can a man be so cruel and treat good woman like shit.
Prior to this I was married for 30yrs to a drunk and my ex always said that because of the way I am is why I cant keep a man…I tell him, well I had one for 30yrs.
He hates my ex, he dont want me talking to him and we have 4daughters and 12 grandkids. He is a sick man and right now this is helping out just by sharing this. Be glad he left!! People like him are the devil!!! You can do much better then that. I would not reply to any emails, phone calls or text. I know what you went through mine was all mental abuse but that can be even worse sometimes. He got mad because I decided to stay with my husband. My husband is a awesome person. I just feel sorry for the next victim.
Do not allow him to control you. Stop being at his beckoning call. If his food is cold then let him warm it up. Go and seek counseling for being abused at an outreach program and to your church. You need to talk with somebody that could possibly be a witness to your case. God bless and keep you always!
Take care and God bless! While i caught him with used condoms n he denied sleeping with some girl, forgave him cause i felt alone, lost all my friends cause of him. But thanks to all your comments that nigga gone. I wasted 4years with a psychopath. I have been with someone like this for 5 years and we have 2 kids together. He is always accusing me of cheating or talking to another man and I have told him over and over again that i am not but he still has this thought in his head that i am.
I would leave while he is at work. And no he can not take your kids unless he can prove you unfit. I know I would not stay mental abuse is worse the physical abuse! And your kids see him do you like that then they might think it is ok for dad to treat mom like that.
If you have friends and family willing to help you I would leave. Let your boss know what is going on to and your hr person they could help you and the kids. I had a friend that was in the same boat you were. I dont know what state you are in but each state has different laws. I would wait until he is at work and get out with the kids.
I would check with a lawer to fine out what your rights are. Im younger and im scared that im trapped. I want to break up with him but im afraid he might hurt me and i know theres no way i can help him.
How do I even begin to detach myself? I dated a girl called johanna krisi tolonen. She is worse than a psycho. She is manipulative and incredibly possessive. The worse part is that she had kids and uses her kids as an excuse to use men and take money from then.
Is this even legal to have someone like that taking care of kids? He feeds of of it. I lost my babies and found out one us in a foster home terminal at eleven. I feel I deserve this for failing them.
I love u…they are not love. These types of men are all over the country. Some of them listen to music to tell them to assault, womanize and treat women like this and that. And I refused to be in that kind of relationship with one.
They are womanizers for men. Where men all over the country angered at them. Made apologies to me over predators for men upon me. They are women who made statements that as lesbians that they decide to kick that kind of man out of their bed.
And as lesbians with what I told them that lesbians as predators upon me stated, that thats when they as lesbian turn around and beat the shit out of that woman as a predator upon women.
Most of the men stated that they wanted the mens names that were like this upon me. Some wanted to murder them. I spoke to people and then they told their people and what seemed like a turn of events who bombed other people due to what I told them. It seemed like it was going to be a war globally against these psychopaths upon me. I was not stupid. I simply asked questions to these people about psychopaths who are predators upon me one woman as an army of people of predators.
When law does not do their jobs and threaten me in what other people were doing their is catastrophe for them not doing their jobs when I did mine as a woman. I am that strong for a woman against predators for people. Do not start a relationship with a man that is anything like I described upon you as women.
Look for the necessary means of him being a nasty ugly vicious little pathetic apathetic little overt man. He will think he is funny at your expense. He will talk badly in regards to you for attention only from other people. He will do things to get paid by such predators for people at your expense. I am that tough as a woman. They called me the dangerous daughter. Where I could kill if I had to. If I had a gun or knife in my hand when predators attacked me they would be dead by me.
Women devastated by such a psychopath were on vacation and what they were talking about was how she was going to kill him if he put his hands on her again. She actually was very sweet and stated how to do to me.
And I am knowledgeable on how to. She wanted to use her legs to kill him in defense. And I only have to use my teeth and my hands. My legs are lethal weapons of their own. So, I let these women teach me. And I let these women trick police into getting a man arrested for harassment while she was actually the harasser of him. I watched the police obey her acting and posing. She even at times tried to get the man murdered by other men.
She wanted her drunk man to murder her boyfriend. I watched it all. And I stated, these women are unbelievable. I have watched women in rooms plan together how to rip apart their men. I never imagined that womanizers for women would get together and rip apart my entire life with their men as psychotic lunatics of them.
I know his version of a breakup was — not my version of one. That is to mean that he thinks he can keep coming back. I have done that too. But in the end , you may of got out. Safety first but l felt Confused and full of restements. This also left a control for him too come back for me. I had a part too. I picked it and let the cycle go round and round.
This is so true! I wait for him everyday to text him and talk to him. But he always make me disappointed. Hi Wendy, I had the same situation. After a month he asks me to be his girlfriend and everything turns crazy. I was afraid to say something cause his mood was very unbalanced, he was angry then happy and I started to depress and feel anxious because this.
I broke up the relationship and he never texts me again. I am currently dating someone for 6 months. I feel very clos to him n he also says do but everytime our marriage is to be fixed i feel he finds excuse to pick up a fight and breaks off.
All signs match because he made me feel that he liked my simplicity and now he talks of otber girls. If a male colleague or friend texts me in general once in a blue moon then also he investigates so much and beats me calling me names. And if I ignore him snd try to leave him, he suddenly becomes this victim and puts all blame at me.
He drinks alot and smokes too. I am so scared that I sometimes feel like running away. Also, being emotionally silly I still love him. My ex was abusive. Of course, it got worse. I even got a black eye once. When I finally had enough, and held her down, she threaten to call the cops on me and said I abused her. The physical abuse extended towards my possessions.
She broke two of my phones, did all kinds of things to my car, among other things. She was far more emotionally abusive. That was her specialty. Only when she was mad or sad. I thought i was alone but i see alot of women were going thru the same thing. I felt like a different person being belittled abused in every way u can imagine and i got out of that relationship.
It does hurt but i think i feel that way only because he brought me down to where i thought everyine hated me. Luckily i have friends n family that have always been there for me they were just waiting for me to leave but i didnt feel strong enough.
I know it will take time to mend my heart but im safe now. An abusive guy will say they r going to change but they never do. If ur in ths same situation get out as soon as possible because it only gets worst.
If i wouldve stayed i would probably be murdered by the one i thought i loved but it isnt love. I know its scary to leave but its even more scary to stay and have to watch your back every second of ur life. I was married to a woman for 24 years whom had 18 out of the 20 symptoms. Unfortunately my kids also had to go through this as well. I cant b too long. I am 48 years old, last year I met a guy we were friends and did enjoyable activities, he is also my age.
I had been single for a few years and have a grown son and teen daughter going to college next year. After we became a couple things were ok, i really liked him alot but did feel insecure of my weight and that i felt hurt he didnt act super attracted to me the way guys do when they are but at the same time he seemed to really want to be with me alot and called all the time etc.
I lost about 15 lbs and was actually feeling a little better about my apoearancr, one day wore a. I was so hurt humiliated he knows Im sensitive about that and right at that monent the sad part is i was actually feeling better, and he said i look like i could be four or five months preg, and i went home early that night just told him i didbt feel well.
They havent seen my pain or times like that but now i guess i have to decide what to do. Thank you for all the suggestions I read on this piece of abuse information.
My husband is a true colour changing animal. He behaves normal to other people ,but when he is with us as a family ,he is so aggressive and spiteful ,stalking and abusing us psychologically ,emotionally ,damaging my property and ill treating our eleven year daughter. Punching ,clapping ,and punching her between the thighs underneath. Pushing her away from me as a mother ,using vulgar language everyday ,harrasing us by shouting almost everyday. Threatening to kill us ,break all the windows..
Re enforcing to have sex with me as if nothing wrong is happening. Accusing me of adultery. I just got dumped 2 months ago by a Psycopath.. I was with her for 4 years from start to finish.. ALL the signs were there. Somehow I kept asking for her back!!
She cut me off from the few friends i had and I was only allowed , in her eyes, to be in HER life. MY life was irrelevant!! I even knew what was happening.. I somehow felt guilty for everything. I went from a high paying job and no debt to leaving my job with a house I now must foreclose on that I bought for us and her kids and no friends or potential future.
She is the sickest most disgusting person I have ever met. And she beat her oldest son even bit him and I wanna report her but the abuse was a few months ago and she has everyone including law enforcement believing I am the Psycho!! I beleive the proof is in the leftovers. Who lost everything and who is out celebrating with her new Harley man?? That is the real test of who is who. I do have 2 DUIs i got since I met her so my record makes me a target as well. I used to think she was just narcissistic but no..
If she were a man I think she would be killing people.. I wanna expose her so much. God bless and prayers to all the other victims out there. I feel for you I am also going through a situation with similar traits…. I am at the lowest of lows…psychopaths know what to say and do to get anyone to do what they want…. Yes you are so right!! Same here… I dated a girl like this over 4 years ago.
It seems like such a long time but the truth is I am still not over it. Sometimes I look at my life and how she has completely destroyed me and I just want to cry sometimes.
What hurts a lot is when I meet people who knew me before I dated her, and then they introduce themselves to me as I have become unrecognizable… when they realize who I am they quickly turn away… they cannot stand to look at me, to look me in the eyes and see what my ex has done to me. My ex was a girl capable of unspeakable cruelty and I have not been able to date since.
It has completely ruined my life. They get joy from it — and the people that you thought were your friends just run away. Everyone has secrets but to hide them when they are discovered by someone who really cares and wants to help no matter what hurts and will eventually be the death of me. While my info is out is the open hers is disclosed with much transparency.
How can life go on when it was someone you truly loved that never got the true meaning. Thanks for these comment I had to with my husband to three therapists and one psychrist he is allthese things and more i am ex miliitary as is he This decribes to the detail My boarderline dommetic violence spuose but he canbe well a the office and church he claims bad self esteem but on vacation or dinner interupts me he claims i talk at home he gets to talk at hos cgristmass party and our vactions had to stop the violence and get protection order he has major job and security clearence he plays mild and meek midwesterner but is angry and violent beyond belief made the mistake his wi ves have all left him 20s 30s 40s he can not hold a wife which he always blames for divorce.
Hehas high spending euphoria and complusively eats It is madness so had to get protection oder from court. What a sad sad world. All I can say is I hope that my baby girl grows up happy and healthy despite of this being one of her parents mental and genetic make ups. Ditto, how have you dealt with this since you have been able to put a label to it? I think I am going through the same unfortunate time as you.
Cqn we help each other perhaps? She is pure evil. At first she makes it all seem like you are the only one but johanna krisi tolonen is pure evil in every way. What is scary is that she uses her kids as a backup plan and extorting money from men.
I have just recently finished with my girlfriend from day one she lied about herself some of the lies where pointless no matter how many times I tried to talk to her about it there was a complete feeling of never being liserned to and it was all my fault. I thank you for your info and it has been so helpful,now all I need to do is stop missing him.
Any words of wisdom? Im only a couple of months into my relationship and would love to fix or learn to cope with this issue but fear i dont know enough to make an educated decision. Afterall, this is a pretty serious subject! My boyfriend has all but two signs of a psychopath. He texted bombed me freaking out thinking I was mad at him and called me 4 times. I answered and I could tell he was drunk.
He told me he was coming over the next day and hung up. The next day there was cuts on his arms. I asked him what happened and he said nothing. I knew he cut him self I had friends from school who were depressed and done it. He finally answered and said he punished his self. Because of me not answering him. He freaks out on me all the time. I started noticing after I thought I could have been pregnant. He is so strong and makes me feel so weak.
He would always push me on the bed and sit on me and do everything in his power to get what he wants. And would touch my sweet spots. He keeps telling me stories about all his ex girlfriends cheating on him and how his dad never really cared about him and that his mom hates him and is afraid of him. Today I found out he was hanging out with his ex that he talks trash about all the time.
When I confronted him he said that he only went to the mall with her we barely went to the mall because he never has money and hates it once. He knew I was mad. But he could lie to me and hide the fact that he was hanging out with her. I could never cheat. Plus sometimes he makes me feel so stupid. I thought he was the one and I was wrong…I think it was lust and I was punished for it. I mean sometimes he is so sweet and spoils me.
Have I alarmed you in response to an army of these kinds of beasts for people? Do any of you women? They are uncivilized people. And some of them have been uncivilized their entire life as them. If what they did was a behavioral study than it is the behavioralists that do require intense psychotherapy as people. And I am qualified to make that factual truthful statement.
Normally we get along amazingly. Talk about having kids and getting married. But hardly any of his friends like me. I recently became friends with a good friend of his because I started working with her she revealed that she hated me at first because all he ever told her was bad things about me.
About three weeks ago I had a stressful day at work and went to the bar after with a few work friends for a beer. My phone died and I honestly lost track of time talking about the day with my coworkers. I had my bfs truck but assumed his good friend our roommate would pick him up. He mentioned he wanted to go out to eat lunch so i took extra time to look nice. We got in the car and I asked him what was wrong he told me that he hates when he has to wait on me all the time.
This hurt my feelings. He has some valid points. Sometimes I am a little irresponsible and take longer than I should for things. Every time we argue I acknowledge my part in the situation and try to gently express that there are some things he does that negatively affect me as well. I love him very much and both of us are new to relationships but I need to know how to work this out, how to confront him so that we can understand each other. Im dating one rn. Im sitting in her bed rn. She just had a blowout.
Shes got these dolls and said she would do something. I think it was because I didnt seem pleased enough for her because my answer to her question was just a head nod. She said thats not something u take lightly………. I just feel like im always WRONG even when I know I am right and she is a hypocrite and she has no remorse or care about my feelings or concerns. But she just said then dont come back if u think its so bad implying shes not gonna change. Na im just kidding but im done.
Hope to hear something back. Im also having a guy who is exactly doing the same thing with me. But I love him alot so that I cant leave him. I want to stay with him. So Im bearing all the pain he gives me. Praying Lord to make him a better man and love me more. He also checking my phone all the time.
Whenever rings the phone or comes a text alert sometimes he is the one who answer it or rply it like me. He has changed my facebook password and used to chat with my opposite side friends like me to see what am I in to with them.
I have let him to do all these things because I know Im not wrong. Im not affraid of aything because I realy respect him and honost to him. He is not letting me to go out alone to talk with friends and all. As well as he doesnt show to his friends, family and etc that we both are in a relationship. Infront of his collegues and family friends Im just a friend to him. Hmmm pray for me guys. I really love him. I want him so im not gonnaleave him whtaever happens. But i feel so sad about me.
I guess I m going crazy fro this girl and I always try to be strong and resolve and come to some kind of solution. She manipulate and makes me feel sad and turns everything around her. And all the traits are same. Now I will not feel Guilty of anything.. Just want to stuck with all the comments. She talks to my roommates.
I stay at some other place now I should feel she needs help seriously. Thanks I just want to keep this in mind. Please if possible email this article on my id. I married s man having each and every one of these characteristics. They are dirty, dishonest, lured, sneaky, psycho and most of all feel entitled to everything!! Yes, there are women that can definitely be abusers too.
My older brother 39 yrs old , is also involved in an abusive relationship. She belittles him, curses and yells at him constantly, has cheated on him openly, manages his wages, has left him to make him suffer because she knows he loves her unconditionally, and has isolated him from his family including parents.
So, yes, there ARE abusive women out in this world. I hope and pray, having realized you were in an abusive relationship, that you were able to put an end to it and have moved on to find happiness!
Sorry to hear a women abused you!!!! It hurts no matter who is doing to a human being or animal. But we we must pray lefting our hands to GOD thee almighty he loves us and never leave or forsake us. He will heal us, we have to seek him, he is closer then a brother. If I would have done it to my DOG it would never survived!!! I rather kill myself thats the most horrible person to be I hate how he abused ME Bad, even wanted to crash his CAR into truck on the highway.
I am with a man like this now. He has made me feel ugly. Picked me apart physically and everyone he sees. Wow, that is all I can say. My partner had every single trait you have just described. This is eye opening. Thank You so much for posting this article. I have everything that is listed here. And I am not ashamed of it. It is in my mind like that. I am making the best of it, but it will always be there. So deal with it. No, Heiko — YOU deal with it. It is fun watching overconfident people like you get yours.
Usually, your character types provide the most satisfying meltdowns. I have heard you women describe these kinds of men all over the globe. They are psychopaths for men and women. Men wanted to hunt these men down and kill them for what they have caused me. If you as women put up with such a beast for a man or woman in your lives than it is you that is a desperate woman. Why would you put up with such scum as a man and or a woman in your lives? They tamper with your belongings.
They think they are funny as predators. They are more primitive than the average person. I do not understand. And it took me in my ignorance in regards to them 4 years to comprehend what kind of person that I have had swarming around me my entire life as them. I suppose that is why it took me 4 years to try and wrap my mind around the kind of beast for people that you have all labeled upon this page. You have defined them clearly. What part of them reading what they are in a lesser definition of lesser beast to you do people not comprehend in regards to themselves upon me?
I have had an army of psychopaths attacking and assaulting me as sexual predators for six solid years or more. They needed to be stopped. Not falsely and wrongfully empowered.
My ex boyfriend is everything on this list. I feel as if I wasted four months with him. We are just friends right now but even that makes me uncomfortable. Just be glad it was only 4 months.
I married this person and had 2 kids before I realized he was always going to act this way. He definitely was a master manipulator. My boyfriend has these terrible traits. This is not good get rid of him. Your will never be happy…believe me its going to get worst—unless u both give ur life to The Lord…They are sick and discussting animals.
Even an animal will come to you and make u feel better. There is no name for these creatures of HELL…. I was in the same situation, we are both Christians and then he quit going to Church. He is crazy and I finally told him I was leaving. He then turned it on me and called the cops because while ibwa packing I told him everything I held in for two years. Like how crazy he is and you quit taking your meds etc. I still love him and miss him and the good times but know its for the better.
I have been in counseling and we determined he has PPD paranoid personality disorder.. He thinks people are following us because he suit the people who abused him as a child and got 4 million dollars. I walked away from a nice looking guy with a great body and lots of fun half the time for my sanity. So thank you for getting the restraining order to protect me from your crazy mind.. God Bless and find a way to get out if u can.
You must find the courage to leave ,when they are at work or out of town. Dont let them know where you are ,change your number or dont answer phone,texts, no communication. They will try to write letters and call to get back with you. These indiviuals have to seek help on their own , most dont think they are the problem. I myself felt like I was buried alive , breathing shallow in coffin.
Images: signs youre dating a con man
Detecting them early is the best way to go. I talked to a theripest and she said people like this do not thing they have a issue. How desperate are you as women?
I thought he was always such a nice guy.
Thank You so much for posting this article. I came nearly close to ending peoples lives myself that are psychopaths for people. Notify me of new posts by email. I am always reading about how important sex is to them…. You should be very proud of yourself. This strengthens a marriage, being a know it all kills it.